Recovering In My Own Way

Currently, I am in the process of emptying my father's house, sorting, cleaning, moving and disposing of 87 years of his life. It's a project he promised he would not leave in my hands; I remind him of that regularly. One day I'll finish, but it is a slow process, made more difficult by the Christmas season. So many memories, most of them good, a bittersweet time.

All our lives we're taught how to 'get' things. As a child, we work to get that favorite toy. As we grow up we want a particular car, a certain relationship, a job, a house, recognition, etc. No one teaches us what to do when we lose something.

I was not prepared to lose my father. I knew it would happen one day, just not so soon. I am coping, in my own fashion, doing my best to pull the shattered pieces of my world back together and build a new life.

All relationships are unique. Really. There are no exceptions. So when you say you know how I feel, you are wrong. No one knows how I feel. Your similar loss is an intellectual fact, and not emotionally helpful. You aren't me, and you did not lose my dad. You didn't lose the world that only my dad and I shared, the friendship, the memories, the amazing life my dad provided for me. I'm not saying your grief is or was any less than mine, nor would I say I understand what you went through, because I don't. I did not lose your loved one.

I've been told I need to do this, and I need to do that. I need to allow my friends to help me because they are worried about me. I need to start painting again. I must start attending events and parties, because I will feel better. I will never be the same person I was, and can't pretend I am. Don't judge, evaluate or criticize me, as that only makes me feel more alone; it says I must 'act recovered' so others around me feel better.

I am blessed to have the friends I have, and so appreciate those who check in on me just to see if I'm doin' ok. I answer all my emails, phone calls, go out for an occasional dinner when invited and volunteer at the art center and food co op. I'm painting a bit, doing my yoga and taking long walks with Miss Ellie. These things bring me peace, and are what I need right now. I'm not hiding. I'm recharging and rebuilding.

So please, understand and respect my lack of involvement in things that used to be such a big part of my life. I am healing in the way that works for me. It might not make sense, but that's ok. My friends will understand.